FROM THE HILL AT HOPEWELL »

march 6, 2012 {2 weeks old}

may 8, 2012 {11 weeks old}

*i’m writing this here just for me. for no other purpose than to document my journey with nursing. i make no judgements of how and where you feed your baby. 

i realize this may be a little personal, but it’s something I feel very strongly about, and a part of my life.

i didn’t think that breastfeeding was something i would be so passionate about… i keep wanting to write about it – and then i think… people know about breastfeeding. it’s out there. people see it. it’s not ‘gross’ now.  but, apparently, nursing your baby is so debatable and even newsworthy.

and then i realize… people really don’t know about breastfeeding. and a lot of what they do know is based on ignorance. young women especially.

i didn’t grow up seeing women nursing their babies. i have never been around women breastfeeding. i previously knew very little about it.

vincent was formula-fed in the hospital.  after coming home from the hospital, those first few days he wasn’t hungry for his bottle.  i would have to wake him to drink his bottle, and continue to work at keeping him awake long enough to get even half an ounce of formula in his little body.  i wondered what was wrong… why he wasn’t hungry.. and why he didn’t like his formula.  during this time, my breasts were engorged.  and sore. and leaking milk.  my shirt was soaked, day in and day out.  i would sit on the sofa, my breasts engorged with milk – so much so, that if i removed the breast pad, it would pour right out of me.

secretly, during the night, the first couple of nights we were home from the hospital, i would nurse vincent in my comfy chair in our bathroom.  just trying to get him to eat… to be hungry.. and to like his mama’s milk.  but i was afraid.  afraid if i was doing the right thing. and if i was doing it right.

i continued to nurse him once or twice during the night and feed him bottles of formula during the day for a couple of days.. unsure, worried, and anxious.

at his 2-day post hospital discharge appointment, vincent was re-admitted to the hospital for jaundice and weight loss.  the doctor changed his formula a few times, and i was to keep a detailed feeding and diaper record for 36 hours in the hospital room, leaving my new baby underneath special lights, only getting him out from underneath the lights to feed him and change his diaper.  all the while, my breasts were still engorged, still leaking, shirt sopping wet.  but i was following the doctors orders, and feeding him the prescribed  formula of the day, trying to get him to drink it and gain weight… as that was the main reason we were there — weight loss.

so –  who was i to decide maybe he really needed his mama’s milk?.. hmmm.  mother’s know what’s best for their babies, though… and this i knew for sure.

after the third day of early-morning weight checks, he had gained back close to a pound.  the doctor said he still wasn’t where he needed to be in order to go home, although the jaundice had cleared from being under the special bili-lights.  he needed to be eating better.  the doctor and i discussed nursing, and i asked him if it was too late to try… as vincent was 7 days old.  never will i ever forget his words… ‘breast milk would really be the best thing for your baby.  it’s your milk… milk made by humans, for humans.’  he told me that a  lactation consultant would be in to see us the next morning.  so, as soon as the doctor was out of the room… i was breast-feeding my baby.  the baby was content.  i was content.  it just felt right.

the next few feedings – and days – in the hospital were very hard.  i was scared.  i thought my milk was going away.  the lactation consultant said that we were doing everything correctly.  the baby was latched properly, blah, blah, blah.  but, i still wasn’t sure if he was getting enough milk.  i called my cousin late one night from that hospital room.  she was the only person that i knew of that had breast-fed her baby, and the only person i felt comfortable enough with at the time to talk to about it.  i won’t ever forget her words either.  ’keep at it. it will be hard. it will  be rough. it will hurt. but you can do it. and it will get easier. and remember’, she said, ‘that’s the way baby jesus was fed.’

i felt like i was struggling.  i cried.  i was worried that i was losing my milk… that maybe too much time had lapsed and that whatever little bit was left was drying up.  i thought about giving up.  but i didn’t.  i knew that by gosh…. god made my body to do this…. my body is supposed to do this, and this is what it is going to do.  so i kept going.  i kept nursing my baby.  every chance that i got.  regardless if he was really getting enough milk or not, i was nursing him.  we were discharged a couple of days later.    i remember pulling over into gas stations and fast-food parking lots on our way home from the hospital to nurse him… regardless if he was crying. or hungry. or not.  my instinct told me to put my baby to my breast… just to nurse.  i can do this, i would tell myself.  my body was made to do this.  i will do this.

my cousin and a good mutual friend of ours would call and text daily for those first few weeks.  just to check in and see how things were going… and to offer words of encouragement.  i’m so glad they did.  support was needed  – and necessary.  and they knew it too.  i am so so glad i had them there for me during that time.

day by day, breast-feeding got easier and easier.  the baby would sleep contently.  it wasn’t long at all before he wanted to nurse all the time.

vincent has been exclusively breast-fed since coming home from the hospital (the second time) at 9 days old.  those first few days – and weeks – were rough.  but with each passing day, it got easier and easier.  it wasn’t long before my nipples were no longer sore, and there was no need for any lanolin.  and no more of the worry and wonder of  ‘is my baby getting enough milk?’.

to sum all of this up:  even on day 9 of a baby’s life… it’s not too late to breast-feed.  we are proof.

it wasn’t long before i figured out.  the boobs are right, every single time – and they have the food stored right in them too.. and you know what else?  you don’t even have to pay for it.  free food. free storage. unlimited supply.

it has been incredible, really – the fountain of life i have become.

those first few weeks i may have been a little fumbly and learning, discovering how my body worked… discovering how perfectly in tune it was with my baby.

but now, i’m an all night milk buffet.. hah.

i don’t feel any way superior for breastfeeding – but i do feel an overwhelming desire to protect it… to normalize it. and to help women realize that not only is it not gross or anything to be ashamed of – but that it is enjoyable, easy, free, nothing else necessary… plus, it’s got some amazing health benefits too – for both mama and baby.

i never got the whole thing of needing to protect breastfeeding, until i started… and now i’m very protective.

i’ve learned to smile and turn my head when i hear people say, ‘oh just give that baby a bottle.’ or, ‘he uses his mama as a pacifier.’  or ‘how long are you going to breast-feed?’ and ‘what are you going to do when he has teeth?’ and ‘what if he start’s asking for it? isn’t that the time to stop?’

la la laaaa.

i’m pretty sure i’ve heard babies ask for bottles, and that’s totally acceptable. but boobs?
truth be told… babies are asking for food from the time they are born.

i didn’t realize how much i would LOVE breast-feeding. love looove it…. i never understood before – why breastfeeding mamas talked like it was such this amazing thing. feeding your baby, sure – the closeness and bonding… but oh, no.. it is much more than that. much more that is unexplainable.

i have no idea how long i intend to breastfeed. i’ll do it for however long my baby and i are both happy to.

i can’t even describe how amazingly rewarding it is to be able to feed my baby.  i am walking food and comfort.

you know, people go on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding. for baby, and for mama.
but really – while all of that is there.
it’s the most self-indulgent, satisfying gift to have been given.
in so many ways.